I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
