we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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