...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
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