I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Randomize
