this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
