My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
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