Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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