He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
