as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
