Swine flu. Run for my life!
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
