Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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