If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Randomize
