My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Damn victory sex feels great
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Randomize
