I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Randomize
