Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
