He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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