Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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