Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
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