Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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