I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Randomize
