he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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