oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
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