Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
my poor anus
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
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