i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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