my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize
