Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
