why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
