I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
my vag is so smooth its legendary
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
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Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
I checked into jail on foursquare
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
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You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
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