so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
