I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
i need some magic done to my vagina
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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