I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
My vagina is very pro this idea
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