I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
