her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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