I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Randomize
