Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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