I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
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