I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
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I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
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Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
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