The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
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