so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
