I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
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