I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
