his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
