I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
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