can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
