I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
