The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Randomize
