my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Randomize
