we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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