Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
