I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
i think i have herpe
just one?
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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