Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
