i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
