Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
Randomize
