my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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