Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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