Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
