She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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