I smell stomach acid.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Randomize
