in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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