He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Randomize
