she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
look no pants
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
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did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
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In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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