Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Randomize
