The best revenge is premature balding
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
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